Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
