Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
