I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
