Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
