I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize