i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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