What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
