My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
