I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
