This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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