Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
