UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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