Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
