I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
