Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
