Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
