I wish I only lived at night.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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