I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wish my penis had a tongue
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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