toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We are two peas in an std pod
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
