My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
