i already hear my dad disowning me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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