It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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