if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
