my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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