I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
