i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
