i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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