I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
