Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
