Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
