Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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