Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
