Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
