So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
