so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
