last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
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