you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The uberlube is also flammable
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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