I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
