So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
