He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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