I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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