He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
