On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
