I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my liver is dry heaving
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
