Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
