If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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