fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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