he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
