I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
