its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
