I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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