Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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