just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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