According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
