walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
