I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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