I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
